Mayday Mayday Mayday

Life is taking its toll on me.  Its beating the crap out of me.  Between being sick and stress some day’s I just want to roll over in a whole and pretend I don’t exist and this is all a bad dream. But then all at the same time I want someone to save me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know it is. I know its going to be but hope…hope is something that’s just tough to come by this year. Hearing somehow just helps. But only on the days I choose to believe them.

Most of you don’t know whats going on. And Im just going to be real. I had from May 28th to september to get a job, get in school, and get my life together. Or I dont have a home. But within the first week of that I broke my collar bone, have an AC sepration, And had a fractured elbow from skateboarding. So I have been on a grace period. But really it hasnt been a bunch of roses. My dad went into the hospital 2 weeks after for 10 days. Ive ate more fast food then I could care for. Ive been going out with friends to relax. Nothing works. Then I get sick….Headache from hell, Sore burning throat, runny nose, breathing problems….sinus infection. Yey. not. So I havent ate much pretty much when Im forced too or if I dont I’ll puke the fluids in my body up those are the only times. Ive been fighting with my weight so now I try not to eat so much. I have a few drinks here and there when I go out with friends. I havent really slept well in a couple days because I have been sick.

Its like I went to camp great I was back with God. Then dad goes into the hospital and I fall apart faster each day. Its like satan hit me hard down then just keeps beating me down when I go to get up. Somedays I want to stay down I dont want to fight. Then others I want to fight the good fight. I know life is tough.  I think I got sick because of it. The stress. I dunno. Im out peace.

The Soloist

The  Soloist with Jamie Fox and Robert Downy Jr.  is about  “Journalist Steve Lopez discovers Nathaniel Anthony Ayers , a former classical music prodigy, playing his violin on the streets of L.A. As Lopez endeavors to help the homeless man find his way back, a unique friendship is formed, one that transforms both their lives. (yahoo movies)” It is a great movie I would say inorge the Acadamy and the reviews and go see it. It really show a love like no other in this movie. Not only a person to person friendship love but a person to career love.

Nathaniel Anthony Ayers played by Jamie Foxx is so in love with his music and nothing means more to him then that. He is homeless and he is happy and content that he has a 2 string violin that he can play every day to play music alone with the sounds of th busy city of L.A. The first time you hear him play or at least when I did goose bumps went up and down my arms. The passion he showed was amazing. It makes you really think if I had as much passion as he does for music for some of the things in my life where would I be? What would I as a person be doing? Who would I have met? What place would I have seen? Who would I have heard speak or play? The questions reel on as the flim does. But he loses it all somehow but hes still content with the small things in life and music. I mean how many small things are we not content wth though out our own lives? He loves just being out side and listening to the sounds of the city and doing what he loves along with it.  Why cant we do that? Yes he is homelss and has no job, some may say no life as well. Or is it us that don’t have the life and he does. We may have our fancy jobs and cars. A plate of food 3 times a day a house with a.c and heat, etc. But is life all that or just happiness? Doing what you love or just keeping a job to stay a float  but everyday you go in or walk in the door of your home you wish you weren’t there? I’m not saying go homeless and do what you love. I’m just throwing a question out there of whats your passion and why aren’t you running for it to live? Some its God. Some its self acheivement. But what is it for you? We’re all different.

Then you have the journalist Steve Lopez played by Robert Downey Jr. who doesn’t know how to show compassoin at first he’s just looking for a story. But as the story he’s writting goes on he gets closer to this man helping him find his way back and transfroming there lives together. A rich city boy sees what living on the streets looks like. He sees the danger, the death, the illness, etc. So he starts to try to take care of this man and the compassion he gains for him is like no other. He seeks him out everyday not only for the story but for there friendship. The compassion alone was amazing. It really makes you look into your life at the end and say do I have compassion like that and if I am why aren’t I even using it? Just writting this story helped Natheniel get a new cello, listening to the philiharmoic in the disney theader, and ect. Just loving him telling his story helped him get what he needed. Telling his story alone impacted many people’s lives. The stories of both these people impacted. All because he stopped caring about what Nathaniel was and started seeing him as a person who needed help. A person who was a music prodigal to a bum because of something. It’s amazing how we can all be like Steve Lopez. We can’t put it in the LA times but we can get the story around and help a whole group of people. How relationships and be built and the broken ones rebuilt. 

This movie has so much to offer. So much potental to affect the way we live our lives. We all dont have to be journelist looking for a story. But theres many of untold stories out there that need to be heard. People who need to be helped. So I highly recommend this movie to anyone. And say lets affect compassion and passion into our lives and effect a person or even a community. Go see The Soloist.    

Things

I dunno how you would descibe me lately. I quess you could say major wreak. Idk. Things have just been insane. Panic attacks come like no tomorrow. Now I have a swollen gland thats making me not feel well. Its sad its summer and I’m so stressed. I’ve done things I loved then I have dont things that I never wish happened. Now I have to tell someone I dont like them and I am terribly sorry if I lead them on. I didn’t even mean too. I haven’t heard from DSC yet. Trying to find a job is like finding the 7th star in iSpy.

Somedays I just wish things were different. Feelings are starting to just deminsh. Other then Happy, sad and angry. I just I dunno I can’t stand myself. I want to run away from me. If  that makes any sense. Oppsite answers to help with problems aren’t helping. Some good and then some bad. Its like I’ve had the life sucked out of me and this fake person put in its place. This person who wouldn’t do half the things she has. I will not say I have love in my heart right now because its crupted. It’s going cold. I’m to the point of I dont give a crap. Comming back from that is not an easy task. People say hold fast to God when lately it seems like he’s not there at times. Mostly in the fights, and junk.

I was stupid to ever fall in love I refuse to make that mistake again. I can only ever say that I have loved 2 people in my life and the second one hurt me worse then the first because not only did he hurt me but I hurt myself. I don’t even know whats going on in there life they wont talk to me. I think of the Johnny Cash song entitled Hurt a lot lately. As well as a very random playlist. Sometimes I wonder if…the one thing I was sure of was the one thing that I wasn’t. If anything now I am just terrifed of any relationship from the martal status. It doesn’t bother me that I’m not dating. I personally don’t want to be that close with anyone again unless its God and right now thats still pretty distant so I dont think that I am going  to be doing and close and serious relationships anytime soon, If ever again.

In other news,

Tomorrow is Memorial day! Today is when we honor vets and those in the service. I thank all of them for fighting for my country so that I can keep this great freedom that I have. But when you look at it a side from the vets and everything. We all are vets in all things when you look at your lives. Theres been many wars, battles, bombing, and ect. Don’t anyone dare say I am taking away from vets and troops I am not. We should remember and honor those people def. there the reason we are free. The reason we have this great country!  But also I think we as people need to look at our lives look at our battles and thank God that we got thru them. I mean really a day we have many battles. Some are strong troops some are weak troops. We’re all vets in our own lives even in area’s of life. We all our troops in our own way either by ourself, religion, military, and ect. We all fight everyday for something. We’re all fighting for something. So take time today after you thank troops/vets get out of your hectic/busy day of cook outs, beach, family, etc. And just look back on your own battles look to see what you have lost and gainned. See the life lessons you have learned and see what more you could still learn from it. So that in the life battles to come you can fight better and be more equipped. Real life is different from the trainning we get. So learn from the real life. Books can only teach so much but application in the real world is so much different. So Have a great Memorial Day! Thank you again troops and vets that have fought for this country. Words can’t describe how much I am grateful.

Stand in the Rain

Awoken by everything I’m running from. I want to give up and lie down, but the only way out is through everything I’m running from. The shadows wisper if I stand I will just fall down which has seemed to be proven true. I cry mayday and no one seems to hear my call. People deming me a lost cause. There’s apparently no hope in me. So Im on this ship left to the crashing of waves against it. I need help. Mayday. Somebody resuce me oh some body tell me you will. Tell me that everything is going to be ok. Im screaming and it seems that no body can hear me. Can you save me from myself! I write in song because songs speak louder then my own words.

In the past 3 weeks everything has just crashed down… I’ve done things I didn’t think I do and was totally out of my character. I failed my whole spring semester of college. I just I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m looking for love in all the wrong things and places. My relationship hasn’t been this bad with my parents since I was a freshmen in Highschool. My anger has gone soaring again. I’m depressed. I gained at least 30 pounds from eating. I usually don’t eat when I’m depressed.  I’m going colder faster then my heart is getting warm.

I stand up but I just fall back down. Each time harder. Thoughts of just dieing seem easier then living at times. But yet I carry on. There is still a hope. Tonight I seriously put on the church face…Ive been putting it on faster each time. My cracks are deeper now I dont want people to see them…I will get judged quicker then I will get spiritual help. I want God yes I believe in him but everytime I run back I fall again again. I’m in this vicious cycle and its like I can’t get out.

I know what I have to do the thing is can I run though the cycle of  everything I’m running from and fix it. Say no to everything. It’s not going to be easy no. It’s funny. I go to a christian college and come out just as bad as if I went to a secular college. How sad. Theres a reason…but I need God. I need him more then anything. Standing in this rain is going to be so hard. Because I’m going to have to pull off the mask and show the cracks. So the ugliness of who I am right now. And get judged, beat up by those people that judge me, and beat up by the things  I fell into and now saying no too.

If anything was supposed to protect me that people did I’m sorry all you did was protect yourself. I have gashes the size of caverns all over me. From falling and hitting things on the way down. I was napped then pushed by whatever you were protecting me from. Now I see more then ever how broken this world actaully is. Because I’ve walked in a lot of shoes lately. I am broken. Now the only way to restore my innocents is just to run to the Father. Let him catch me and bandage my wounds. Then fight the hard fight to restore our relationship to what it was even more then that.

So here I Go. I’m going to Stand in the Rain. Stand my ground. Stand up when its all crashing down. Keep me in your prayers.

New beginning?

Its funny how long sometimes it takes people to realize things. It took me failing this semester and a graduation to realize that I am supposed to be at BCF. It  took my best friend and Alex not talking to me to realize how messed up my life and my spritual walk actually was.

Yes leaving BCF and being home for seven months does suck. I wish it wasnt this way. But it is. So I am looking at this as my punishment for decisions that I have made and now its time to start a new and work at getting my walk back on track.  Not all bad comes from something bad thats happening. How much you make bad is what really makes it bad. I am guilty of making things more bad then what they seem. But I am going to keep a postive out look. Thats the only thing to do. Negitive will just wear you out.

So this I guess would be what I’d like to call a new beginning or a new start at college life. Lets pray that I dont mess this up.

Don’t wake me up I plan on sleeping in…

Ah Postal Service great band.

But thats not what this blog is about. But I do need more sleep lol. So really dont wake me I plan on sleeping in at some point. lol.

No but lastnight I was at waho just chillin and guess who showed up and I didnt reconize them until I got back to the college. Steller kart. I was totally obivious. I thought it was then someone told me it wasnt. But I guess it was nice for them for once not getting someone talking to them all the time asking for an autograph just getting to eat there waffle and chill. I will say it was cool seeing a band just be normal and live there life. Really there like everyone else. It was great. They didnt have big heads they actaully just blended in. It was neato. I was like how many famous people do we meet or see in a day and we dont even realize it. I dunno it was just thought that ran through my head.

I am extreamly tired and prob not thinking as I write this. Actaully I know Im not.  I’m running on w/e sleep I had that day before today. So yes. I am going to cut this one short. Ttyl peeps.

Woe to the Cold and Warm Hearts

Woe to the coldest of hearts even the frozen. The coldest hearts shiver when they beat. Then the frozen just sit there in there place no beat just ice. The words they breathe are just as cold as the fist size ice ball that sits in there chest. They are like disease that spreads fast among the warm hearts. Once there breath hits the heart of the warmest it seems to start the freezing process. Its like they cannot live without infecting a warm heart.

Then should I say woe to the warm hearts for there is no way to block the breath of the cold hearts. No matter how much we say a breath doesnt affect us it does. So the warm hearts fight the fight of not becoming cold. Some win some lose. Its an on going fight. Its not an easy battle metting ice that freezes so quickly. Usually only the strongest of the warm hearts can melt at a good enough pace with encouragement from the warmest. The slower ones can do it but need more encouragement from the strong and the warmest heart as well. Woe is to them for there’s not many and the battle is on going.

But yet I still should say woe to the cold hearts. The frozen hearts as well. They have the most to melt. That takes the longest takes a lot of love, a lot of encouragement, lots of care, lots of kindness. These are the ones who seek the strong who help lead them to the warmest heart. But to keep from there cold ways is so hard not o infect. Most end up falling into the old ways being ice the others fight for a while then are infected again. Being infected the second time was like stabbing the same wound again it just makes it worse. Woe is to them of what happened that made them so.

Now Is when I say woe to the both the hardship for each is not easy. Light it hard to find when hearts are cold or infected. Woe to the cold and warm hearts. My prayer to the warm is that the warm flame never gets put out by ice from the disease from the cold and sill is filled with love, compassion and caring. Then my prayer to the colds is that some how their fire will restart and melt the ice that which abides in there chest so it can start beating again full of love and compassion and caring. Woe is it until the warmest heart returns.

Just some random waking up thoughts

The past few days have been pretty insane. Emotionally and physically. I haven’t really slept. But who sleeps in college. But I do have to say waking up to techo scremo music is pretty amazing. I usually don’t care for Screamo or Metal but I really like this band call Sky Eats Plane. There just different. I like it. The beat is techo then it goes either from normal singing to a Screamo or vice versa. I would call them a breath of fresh air. I dunno if they have a myspace but I would totally say check them out. As of if there christian or not I can not tell you that. But yeah check them out. Find them on iTunes or something.

But anyways on to my actual non random thought..

Today I think we should all look as a breath of fresh air. Its a new page to live in our life. More memories to add to the good ol’ noodle. Then someday look back on them and be like that rocked or sucked but hopefully if it sucked you at least learned something and can use it to help someone else. I mean thats why God puts us though things to make us stronger and help our witness. Theres always beauty from pain. Its hard to see at first but there is. I learned that. It wasnt in the easiest way possible either. Just stand through the rain I promise in the end you will remain. So lets take our fresh breath and take today as it comes. Try not to worry about tomorrow for it already worries for its self. Live todays life for the fullest and to Gods glory. Heres some Encouragement because we all need it!

Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:4-7 – “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Revelation 1:5-6 – “To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood  and made us a kingdom, priests to his God and Father, to him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

Well I got an 8am to get to love you all!!!!

The Coaches and Slient Cheerleaders

They look around for the hopeless. Someone they can help. They see many faces they help many. But little do they know the people seems not to care about the advice given. They go and tell there friends still there is no one to help them. So for each person they seek out the ones they can not help they add a safty pin to the strap of their side bag. There trying to save there weakest. They saw him everyday. He would talk to someone saying no one could help no one understood. When there was one who did. The one that did would be the one who always talked to him. He always pushes them away after he thinks he is strong. It crushes the one that helps him. They will always be there for him. Even though after him there will be many. They dont want to add him as one they cannot help yet. But knows that they will in order to give them to God. And be there when needed. Be strong in prayer and in showing love. The others of them say just add him to your pins you haven’t lost but one. Whats one more. The thought of it makes the one sick. But knows in a sense they are right. Some cases are for God to work not us. The one doesn’t want to let him go and just be a slient cheerleader. But they know they am going to have to in order to truly help him. They pull out the safty pin and give the one lone safty pin a friend. Its time to let him go. Take the slient cheerleader roll until he comes to them. Keeping him in prayer everyday. Lifting him up. Waiting. Then helping the others who are weak. One day he will come around. He will come to us. The others say seeing the saddness swipe across the face of the one who was helping him. Then they all pray in a group. Lifting up the situation and asking God to send them the broken willing. After prayer they start back up again. Seeking out the broken who needs help adding pins to pins. They take there mission in stride and in full trust in God the the people those pins represent only come back to them some day. While they sliently cheer them on as they walk by durning the day. Pins being removed happen almost as much as the adding somedays. Then somedays they seem to just add up and not got removed. We never know what the day will bring we just sit and seek and wait. Tomorrow will bring something what we do not know. Just a hope that more are saved and pins removed. A hope that the one who has two that both will come back to them tomorrow so that they can remove those pins and not add anymore hopefully. They know that they will only come back when God wills and all they can do is pray and be the slient cheerleader for them. Learning to be the cheerleader is harder to do for them. Being the coach was always easier. But they trust God and cheer along.

Impact.

To Write Love on Her Arms has impacted my life in so many ways. They helped me in a sense figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. That is Counseling and helping people who struggle with those things. They also helped me last Valentines day when I just wanted to give up on life. I kept getting rejected then I talked to Jamie and Chris and they said that they would be my valentine. I mean granted they said that prob to a million people that day but it was the love that was behind it. TWLOHA’s has made an impact on me that words will not describe. They have become one of my many passions. And I strive that one day I can work along side of Jamie and Chris. This Valentines day because of last I just loved on everyone and was everyones valentine, even though I had one. I thank them for the impact they gave on my life when i met Jamie this summer at Warped Tour in Orlando. Granted I sounded like a screaming fan girl but I dont care. I was so over joyed to met the Man who agreed to be my valentine and he didn’t even know me. Just talking to him and getting my picture with him was an impact on itself. That is the impact that TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS has had on my life.