Awoken by everything I’m running from. I want to give up and lie down, but the only way out is through everything I’m running from. The shadows wisper if I stand I will just fall down which has seemed to be proven true. I cry mayday and no one seems to hear my call. People deming me a lost cause. There’s apparently no hope in me. So Im on this ship left to the crashing of waves against it. I need help. Mayday. Somebody resuce me oh some body tell me you will. Tell me that everything is going to be ok. Im screaming and it seems that no body can hear me. Can you save me from myself! I write in song because songs speak louder then my own words.
In the past 3 weeks everything has just crashed down… I’ve done things I didn’t think I do and was totally out of my character. I failed my whole spring semester of college. I just I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m looking for love in all the wrong things and places. My relationship hasn’t been this bad with my parents since I was a freshmen in Highschool. My anger has gone soaring again. I’m depressed. I gained at least 30 pounds from eating. I usually don’t eat when I’m depressed. I’m going colder faster then my heart is getting warm.
I stand up but I just fall back down. Each time harder. Thoughts of just dieing seem easier then living at times. But yet I carry on. There is still a hope. Tonight I seriously put on the church face…Ive been putting it on faster each time. My cracks are deeper now I dont want people to see them…I will get judged quicker then I will get spiritual help. I want God yes I believe in him but everytime I run back I fall again again. I’m in this vicious cycle and its like I can’t get out.
I know what I have to do the thing is can I run though the cycle of everything I’m running from and fix it. Say no to everything. It’s not going to be easy no. It’s funny. I go to a christian college and come out just as bad as if I went to a secular college. How sad. Theres a reason…but I need God. I need him more then anything. Standing in this rain is going to be so hard. Because I’m going to have to pull off the mask and show the cracks. So the ugliness of who I am right now. And get judged, beat up by those people that judge me, and beat up by the things I fell into and now saying no too.
If anything was supposed to protect me that people did I’m sorry all you did was protect yourself. I have gashes the size of caverns all over me. From falling and hitting things on the way down. I was napped then pushed by whatever you were protecting me from. Now I see more then ever how broken this world actaully is. Because I’ve walked in a lot of shoes lately. I am broken. Now the only way to restore my innocents is just to run to the Father. Let him catch me and bandage my wounds. Then fight the hard fight to restore our relationship to what it was even more then that.
So here I Go. I’m going to Stand in the Rain. Stand my ground. Stand up when its all crashing down. Keep me in your prayers.
